We often hear about the famous “love at first sight” that many parents say they feel when their child is born. For some, this is a reality. But it’s important to remember that this is not the case for everyone. Many parents do not experience this magical connection from the very first moments. For them, the bond is built more slowly, sometimes well after the birth. This can lead to feelings of guilt, a sense of disconnect, or even the impression of being “abnormal” or different from others. However, bonding does not only happen in the first few minutes of life. It is not always intense or instinctive, and can develop later, gradually. It is important to say this in order to open up the discussion and reassure parents.

Why is bonding essential for babies?

« The relationship between the baby and its attachment figure is fundamental on several levels. »

The first concerns brain development. A baby who is stimulated by looks, voices, affection and interactions develops certain key areas more quickly, such as memory, language and emotions. Their development is all the more optimal as a result. The second level is that of feeling secure. Thanks to the love and constant presence of their attachment figure, children are more relaxed and less stressed. They then become more able to explore and understand the world around them. The third level concerns the regulation of emotions. Babies cannot manage their feelings on their own. It is up to parents to calm them, reassure them and support them in this process.

Next comes self-esteem and identity building. Through bonding, love, eye contact and smiles, children discover that they are accepted for who they are. They understand that they are valuable, which nurtures their confidence and helps them develop as individuals. Finally, this bond is an essential foundation for their future relationships. The stronger, more caring and loving it is, the more the child develops empathy, the ability to trust and to form bonds with others.

But this bond is not only fundamental for the baby. It is also fundamental for the parent, as it nourishes and transforms the relationship in both directions.

Why is the bond essential for the parent?

 For adults, the creation of the bond is based on three main points:

• First, it reinforces the feeling of parental competence. Feeling connected to one’s child gives confidence and legitimacy in one’s role.
• Second, it brings a real sense of satisfaction and well-being. The attachment bond is a source of love and joy in everyday life, a warmth that nourishes and soothes.
• Finally, it gives even greater meaning to parenthood. Being a parent is not just about raising a child: it is also about growing yourself through the love, presence and reciprocity of this relationship.

It is taking on a new role that allows us to rediscover ourselves, renew ourselves and become aware of the value we can have through our baby’s recognition of us. This recognition manifests itself in the child’s search for contact, smiles, interactions, the fact that they calm down more easily in our arms than in those of other people, or even that they trust us enough to fall asleep. All these little things reinforce our belief that we are valuable in our role as parents.

Bonding also provides valuable resources for coping with the difficulties of parenthood: fatigue, emotionality, baby clash, body image, self-esteem. Bonding is like a “carrot”: it feels good, it gives you energy and it helps you overcome the rest by keeping you on track. Beyond that, bonding promotes the production of oxytocin, the attachment hormone. This creates a virtuous circle: the more we bond, the more oxytocin we secrete, and the stronger the bond becomes. This hormone has many benefits. It is good for both the body and the mind, and it makes the relationship even more beautiful.

When should we bond?

Ideally, from the very first days, because the child is totally dependent on us and their development depends on what they receive. But it is essential to remember that we can give ourselves time. We can give ourselves time. If we are too tired, too emotional, or need a break, it is perfectly possible to let other people take care of the baby at first and then come back to bond later. The important thing is to be kind to yourself and not put pressure on yourself. If you don’t immediately feel that explosion of love, it’s okay. The main thing is that the baby receives the basics: being fed, changed, washed and cared for. It doesn’t matter whether this is done by us or by another trusted person.

If you feel physically or psychologically unable to do so, you can ask the other parent, grandparents or another close relative to take over. In these situations, support can be helpful if the difficulty becomes too deep or too long-lasting. But remember that taking time is not abnormal.

How can you bond?

Building a bond is a gradual process. It is built through physical contact, care, eye contact, voice, responding to needs and shared moments. It is not a one-off act, but a daily repetition that gives depth and durability to the relationship. It is like a plant: it is not because you water it heavily once that it will grow, but because you come back to water it regularly that it will eventually bloom. For those who want to extend this metaphor, the book Petite Pousse by Astrid Desbordes perfectly illustrates this idea.

In conclusion, it is essential to be kind to yourself. Bonding can be slowed down or complicated by factors beyond our control: childbirth, hormonal changes, fatigue, pain, and a baby’s crying. All of these things can slow down the bonding process, and that’s normal. What matters is to observe whether the difficulty persists. If it becomes too deep or too long-lasting, it is necessary to seek help. But if it’s just a matter of time, allow yourself to take it.

Finally, a last aside on the concept of attachment figures. This simply refers to the primary caregiver: the person with whom the baby forms the strongest bond. This may be a parent, but it could also be anyone who cares for the baby. In some cases – adoption, anonymous birth, orphanage – this role may be filled by someone other than the biological parents. This is important to remember, because even when a parent is experiencing postpartum depression or parental burnout, the child can find a temporary attachment figure. This prevents them from being deprived of this vital bond and allows the parent to recover gently before regaining their place in the relationship.